How I Met My Mind #20SomthingAddict
Updated: Oct 21, 2020
The beautiful thing about being a 20 something addict and alcoholic is not so much the entire change in thought processes but more so the way I now view myself in the world. I spent many years battling with the idea that my actions couldn’t be that of an addict because they did not marry up with my idea of what an addict looked like. In a society governed by ‘that Friday feeling’ and ‘living for the weekend’, I got sucked into a pattern of social drinking. At what point does drinking for fun turn into drinking to excess? Living my ‘best life’ quickly turned into a daily battle with myself. Conflict within my mind became a thing of normality and while I knew I was stuck in a world of unmanageability, I wasn’t sure I was prepared to leave and let go of the buried heartache and pain.
It was a Friday evening in October and although I hadn’t been to work that day, I came dressed as if it was any other meeting in the city. I sat on a chair among who, I was soon to realise would become my family. We didn't know each other yet but without even needing to say a word, they understood my pain. On the outside, I was a happy 26-year-old, I travelled, I worked, I had a roof over my head and a car on the drive. But the external things became redundant as I spiralled in search of things to change how I felt. It was dark and noisy in my mind but it was bitter and lonely on the outside. I had tried to quit before, but it created more inner turmoil. The longer I tried to control my behaviour, the ability to function moved further away. I was broken and my experience showed me that I was unable to do this on my own anymore. I had to search for help or it may have killed me. The pain that I can inflict on myself internally is so far removed from the pain I have ever felt physically. I often reflect in awe of every single human in the world, we are more resilient than we are given credit for. We have the ability to bottle up trauma and pop a pretty bow on it and stick it in Pandora's box at the back of our minds. Unfortunately, that box had a capacity and in 2018 mine started to overflow.
The months that preceded that day would take me on a journey I was not entirely ready for but so desperately needed. I learned what love, acceptance and peace felt like and I found a way to look deep inside without fear or shame. My life became manageable and I learned how to show up and be present. I stopped trying to control situations around me and found the interactions became less intense. Boundaries became my armour and self-love became my shine. I needed to unlearn a lifetime of doubt, self-hate and unworthiness in order to see that I am enough. Sobriety became more than just being teetotal, it became a collection of little behaviour changes that allowed me to live a more fulfilling life and find the ability to finally meet my mind.
If you would like to share the story of how you met your mind, please send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org